call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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