I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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