u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
