so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
