My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
