Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize