nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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