I can text with my tongue
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
