Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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