Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
