dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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