Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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