I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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