What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
