I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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