i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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