So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
