I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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