Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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