I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
