My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
