I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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