Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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