I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
