I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize