Im at strip club and am horny
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
