marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
