Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
