I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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