when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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