So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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