I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
