The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
