if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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