A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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