Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize