drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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