Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize