my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
