You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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