just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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