dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
