Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
