I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
