I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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