Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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