I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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