its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
