Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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