Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
