Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
