Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
