I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
