so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
