I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
