I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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