Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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